History

I really wondered what post-racism America would do with History. I mean we’ve been telling such a skewed and twisted tale of history for so long, I couldn't imagine how the new America would deal with it. So much has been incorrect, inaccurate and down right biased over the many years of our pre-post-racism country. Setting the record straight was going to be a huge task.

I remembered that reparations check that you got in the mail, Jamal, so I headed down to the Department of Truth and Reconciliation. I found that they had created a an office of Historical Accuracy. Good start. I peeked in and learned that Howard Zinn was appointed Secretary of History. He wasn’t there of course, he was out “with the people” the administrative assistant told me. Zinn has been assigned (well he was nominated and instantly appointed) to on the gigantic task of undoing the historical deceptions and manipulations that had been a part of curricula, text books, folk tales, stamps, currency, the History Channel, Elvis - everything that had been a part of the propaganda machine of the former American ways. Of course, Zinn's job is made easier by the fact that people of color have been writing our own histories for so long, that really all the department had to do is actually incorporate those into the official record.

Howard’s buddy and Hollywood Hottie, Matt Damon became the public relations arm of the office as the History Ambassador. He travels around the country and the world putting a friendly (and cute) face on the New America. It’s serious work but Matt has really helped to diffused a lot of the anger that has resulted from the western-centric lies of history telling. Matt offers himself, “As a representative of the United States, I admit that we really twisted history to make ourselves look better. But I am here to help us make it right,” and people seem to really listen.

You might ask why assign two white men to the task of correcting history in a post-racism country? Well, I asked the same question. In fact, I went right up to sexy ol’ Matt Damon and asked him directly. “Who better?” He smiled, “We know exactly what we did to turn history in our favor in the first place. Plus it’s time the white guys did some of the heavy lifting around here.” Damn, that man is hot.